How to Make Your Second Decade of Marriage Healthy
After ten years together, your marriage has probably settled into a comfortable rhythm. And while we can argue about whether “comfortable” is good or bad, sometimes a rhythm can feel a little too routine. It’s easy to assume that love should be effortless, but any long-term relationship requires intentional effort to stay fulfilling.
The good news? Your second decade of marriage can be even stronger, deeper, and more rewarding than the first.
Marriage evolves over time, and the needs, desires, and challenges you had in the early years might look completely different now. Keeping your relationship strong means adapting, communicating, and prioritizing your connection.
Here are five ways to refresh and strengthen your marriage after the 10-year mark.
- Make Quality Time a Non-Negotiable
Life gets busy – kids, work, responsibilities, and daily routines can make it feel like you are co-managing a household rather than being romantic partners. If your connection has started to feel more like logistical teamwork than a love story, it’s time to reclaim intentional time together.
Date nights aren’t just for newlyweds. Making time for regular, uninterrupted moments – even if it’s just a walk, a quiet dinner, or an activity you both enjoy – can really play a role in strengthening your relationship and togetherness. The key is quality over quantity. Even small moments of focused attention and shared joy can reignite closeness.
If you’re struggling to find time, put it on the calendar just like any other priority. Your marriage deserves as much dedication as your business meetings or gym sessions.
- Keep Communication Open and Honest
After a decade together, you probably assume you know each other inside and out. But assumptions are one of the most dangerous things in long-term relationships. Your partner’s thoughts, feelings, and perspectives change over time, as do yours. Without regular, open communication, it’s easy to start feeling disconnected or misunderstood.
We often think about healthy communication as talking “more.” However, it’s actually much more important that you learn to talk “better.” Instead of only discussing work, kids, or schedules, make an effort to ask deeper questions and really listen.
- How does your partner feel about their current stage of life?
- What are they excited or stressed about?
- Are there needs or desires they haven’t expressed?
If conflicts arise, focus on understanding rather than winning. Reactivity can lead to defensiveness and frustration, but approaching conversations with curiosity and kindness strengthens trust and connection.
- Get Help When You Need It
There’s a common misconception that therapy is only for struggling marriages, when in reality, every relationship can benefit from outside support. Even the strongest couples hit roadblocks, and getting input from a professional therapist can help the two of you be more productive with how you interact with one another.
“Couples therapy does a lot more than just solve problems,” San Francisco EMDR psychotherapist Andrew Kushnick explains. “It’s a powerful tool for breaking frustrating patterns, improving communication, and enjoying healthier relationship habits. Even small shifts in perspective can help couples reconnect and feel more fulfilled.”
If you and your spouse keep having the same fights, feel emotionally distant, or struggle with unresolved tension, therapy can provide the tools and perspective you need to move forward. Whether it’s a few sessions or long-term guidance, working with a professional can help strengthen your relationship and deepen your connection.
- Continue Growing – Individually and Together
One of the biggest threats to long-term relationships is stagnation. If both partners stop growing – emotionally, intellectually, or personally – the marriage can start to feel stale or uninspiring.
Maintaining your own individual passions and interests makes you a more engaged and interesting partner. At the same time, finding new things to experience together – whether it’s traveling, learning a new skill, or simply trying a different hobby – keeps your marriage exciting and dynamic. Be mindful of this as you consider how you’re spending your time (individually and as partners).
Encourage each other’s personal growth rather than feeling threatened by it. When you continue evolving, the relationship also stays fresh and fulfilling.
- Prioritize Physical and Emotional Intimacy
After ten years together, intimacy might not be as spontaneous as it once was – but that doesn’t mean it has to fade. Physical and emotional closeness are key for a healthy marriage, but they require ongoing attention and effort.
Intimacy doesn’t have to be 100 percent about sex. It also involves affection, small gestures, emotional closeness, etc. Things like holding hands, hugging, making eye contact, and listening all go a long way toward establishing intimacy (and making sexual intimacy more meaningful when it does happen).
If your physical intimacy has decreased, don’t be afraid to talk about it openly. What has changed? What does each partner need? Avoid falling into the trap of letting routine and exhaustion take over. Instead, make intimacy a priority rather than an afterthought.
Looking Forward to Year 11
Instead of thinking about the next decade as one single timeframe, focus instead on year 11. Take things one year at a time, and look for ways to create a healthier marriage right now. When you “zoom in” and put your focus on the present, it has a way of making the challenges and opportunities of marriage seem much more accessible.
