How I Am Doing

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I thought it would be fun to include our first family portrait – which I vaguely remember taking thanks to many pain relievers ( this was right after the c-section)

Many of you have been asking how I am doing. I took today to really think about…. I am doing… somewhat okay — a good 6.8/10.

I will say first off I have amazing newborns — they went on the same schedule pretty quickly ( Lawson had the same feeding schedule at the NICU as we had with Gwendolyn at home). Eric and I are getting about 6 hours of sleep a night broken up in 2 hour chunks. They really do not cry unless there is an apparent reason. So everything with that end of things are great. My parents have been helping out a ton with feeding and cleaning all the clothes.

What I am struggling with is different types of guilt I guess is the best way to put it. I would say the one I did not think about when I was pregnant is when they were here they would be growing so fast. One hand I am so happy that they are gaining weight and growing taller but I am sad to think that they will never been so small ever again. Like the size they are today will not be the same as the size tomorrow. But I do remind myself that there are so many amazing milestones ahead.

I have guilt about my work. I have some BIG NICU bills coming up so I had to really push back into work earlier than I wanted. Guilt again that I am not spending enough time with the twins. I do hold one of the twins at a time while a work.

Guilt about giving the twins enough time. I want to give them as much love as possible each. I find myself wondering if it is enough and am I splitting it equally. Lawson tends to want me to hold him more — so he gets more hold time then Gwendolyn. Also there are days I forget to read them books — am I ruining their development… You see how all this is manifesting itself.

So that is how I am doing… In the good news area I have lost a ton of weight 🙂


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  • Sheila Williams

    You are doing so good! You just had major surgery, you have two newborns, and you are supposed to not feel 100% for a while. Thank goodness you have a good support system.

    Do things that make you feel good, and you are so lucky that you work from home, unless I got that really wrong, but stay in the moment. Be working when you must, but parenting when you can, but stay in the moment. Dragging guilt around is not fun, and will compromise your ability to enjoy your children. Hang in there, it changes everyday, just like those beautiful twins.

  • Kristina

    You are doing great, we all have those feelings and it is normal. I had C-Sections with both of my boys and it was rough. My wonder MIL came to my rescue both times. While neither of mine spent time in the NICU, however my oldest has a congenital heart defect and that required surgery when he was 6 months old. I gave it to him, it was hereditary that is a guilt I will always have. Trust me sometimes we feel like we fail as parents but 99% of the time we are amazing. Babies don’t come with instruction manuals, if they did we wouldn’t have babies. Just enjoy those babies and remember what you did to get here. BTW how is Watson doing?

  • Theresa Denson

    I empathize with you, never had twins but I did take care of my youngest son and a niece from birth on… babies are very forgiving…as long as they are dry and fed and snuggled every now and then they seem to thrive…mine did and they are now 47 years old with children of their own…and those two are more loving towards me than I think I deserve! They have lots of good memories of their childhood and share freely without me asking.

    Here is what I offer to you from me…just relax…take a deep breath! Often! and just move through…what your little ones will remember is YOU! Your touch, your love both spoken and unspoken, your Presence in their lives…moment to moment

  • Patsy jones

    First of all give yourself a break. Remember there is no handbook on how to be a parent. I know this is easier said than done. Secondly thank you for sharing this journey. I was not able to have children due to infertility & seeing your journey was exciting. Congrats & just take it day by day.

  • Marilyn Groneng

    Congratulations on your beautiful children. There is TONS of information “out there” to help with guilt involved in parenting. Perhaps you could get audio info if you are too busy to read. As a former working mom with two happy, well-adjusted, successful adult sons, we miss out on some wonderful simple times by the guilt we bring on ourselves. It all works out in the end with love for the children and YOURSELF. And yes, they are ruined because you didn’t read to them one night! (just kidding!).

  • Toni Woods

    Please don’t feel guilty. Just know that you are doing your very best. I have a 14 year and I had the best intentions – don’t waste all your guilt now – you’ll have plenty of time for that later when they are bigger. Lol! Just enjoy those sweet babies!

  • Daneen

    You need to not be so hard on yourself. Please make sure you are getting enough rest. Hopefully there some times where you don’t need to be awake for all feedings. You are recovering from a c-section which is major surgery. Love that you have the twins on a schedule. When I did a schedule for my son’s we did feeding, waketime then nap in that order so they wouldn’t get used to needing a bottle to fall asleep. Hang in there! You are doing great!

  • Angie

    Oh honey, every Mom feels guilt about something. As long as they are dry and fed, you are doing awesome. You do what you have to do to make their futures happy. Don’t worry about the rest.

  • Kimery

    Sara, I pray that first you take care of you and those babies. I pray you get some help from family or friends. Mostly I pray for your grace – and for you to give yourself grace. This time is a huge adjustment for any new parent and I cannot imagine double time. Please ASK your friends and family for HELP and LET them – even if it means you get to nap a few. Blessings from a mama of 6 here (and 5 in heaven), though birthed them one at a time a few years apart. I still need more grace. 🙂

  • Kara

    EVERY mother struggles with the right answers and truth is…there is no one way to raise children. First don’t let worry steal your joy. You will not “ruin” their development if you don’t read every single night. Every child has different needs and personalities so you can’t treat them the same even though it goes against every fiber of your being to treat them “equal”. We do what we think is right at the moment, love them the best you can and you will all be fine. Allow yourself to make mistakes because despite all of our best intentions they will happen. You are doing great.

  • Carolyn F

    Breathe! You are doing awesome. Being a first time mom is overwhelming, much less to twins. Hang in there!

  • Sharon

    Trust me…every mom EVER has had guitar feelings over things. Sometines they are big, life altering things. Sometimes they are trivial things that we focus too hard on. My daughter was in the NICU for 9 1/2 weeks. They kept telling me she was going to die. She didn’t. I blamed myself. I blamed myself for not eating better, exercising more, breathing different, using a different soap…the list goes on and on. Then I went through the guilt of sleeping so I wouldn’t be exhausted when I held her and possibly drop her. I didn’t need THAT much sleep, really. I should be holding her and getting every moment I can. She had suegery, came home on meds and and feeding tube. Then it was waking every two hours for meds and tube feedings. I threw a bag of milk against the kitchen wall once. Then I cleaned it up. Do you know what? She’s a hapoy, healthy 9 year old who is one smart cookie. We homeschool. She is in between 3rd and 4th grad but she’s in 4-5 grade math, reads at high school level, and understands way more than I think she should. She’s kind and conscientious, a great helper, and doesn’t give up. In swimming class, her instructors have to make her take a break because she will just sink to the bottom trying to keep going. It will be ok. Everything works out. Breathe. Every family is different and every kid is different. Boys are more needy than girls (in my experience). They both need you, but boys seem to demand more. It’s ok to feel inadequate, but know this…it will pass and you will have two kids who adore you and think that no mother on the planet is as wonderful and perfect as you are. You’ve got this…even if you haven’t quite figured it out yet. Love to you, fellow momma!

  • Sharon

    Haha…I just read my post. Guitar feelings? Wow. Auto correct must be having a midlife crisis. It is supposed to say guilty feelings. Also, a couple other typos…I promise, I know how to spell! Lol…that just made my night!

  • Lanie

    I know right now everything may be so confusing and new but just take a moment to breath and center yourself. You’re a brand-new mother of twins! God has given you something so special and he has given you the ability to cherish and nurture these little ones as they grow throughout their very long long lives. At the end of the day it really doesn’t matter if the dishes are done or if your hair has been combed. It comes down to those special little moments you get to experience each and every day.

    Please find solace in the fact that every mom and dad goes through this period when babies first come home and darling it won’t last forever I promise you. You just need some time for your hormones to calm down and your body to heal. By month three newborns tend to settle down into a routine and life will finally find its rhythm again.

    Please don’t let the what ifs and should ofsweigh so heavily on your mind. It seems like you have a great support system that will help you through even the darkest of times and before you know it you’ll be a seasoned mom whose prepared for anything! You’re a strong woman who can take on whatever life has to throw at you… you just gotta have a little faith is all.

  • Liz

    All I can say is welcome to parenthood. It is funny because I had visions of being the perfect parent and most of those went out the door. It started when my milk didn’t come in after almost 2 weeks. So I was starving my son. Well he was formula fed. That worked out because as a single mom I went back at 4 months so in he went to day care. Here is the thing… your children will have to be your barometer. Are they happy? Are they healthy? And mostly are they loved? I promise you your children will not suffer because you disnt read them a book. Are you talking to them? Do you sing silly songs to them? And more importantly are they comforted when they cry? Are they fed when they are hungry? Are they cleaned when they are dirty? This is what matters. And remember the fact that you worry counts. It means you care and you want what is best for them. We can always be better and do more. But there has to be a balance. Remember to be kind to yourself.

  • linda foy

    You have a beautiful, healthy family and you have no reason to put yourself on the “guilt” trips because you beautiful lady are loving your family and doing the best you can and trust me your babies are not suffering in any way. Please don’t be so hard on yourself and just enjoy your wonderful, healthy babies. Take lots of pictures and videos because you are right they will not be the same tomorrow as they are today or were yesterday 🙂 Oh and except all the help you can get with heart felt thanks, get plenty of rest and relax all you can ..

  • Angelica Perez

    Sweetie… As a mother to a 32 week premie girl, who is now 6, believe me… IT’S GOING TO BE JUST FINE.
    No… they will never be as cute as as small as they are now…
    No… It’s not a bad thing that you are working… and
    No… you’re not ruining their development…

    Trust your instinct , take whatever advise you think is best and the rest, just nod and smile politely… and do things the way you feel them right…
    You’re a great mom… Flawed and beautiful… You’ll make mistakes and you’ll correct them…
    Don’t push yourself too hard… take five minutes for yourself, and breathe… your babies are healthy and happy… that’s all that matters. Remember this… If you’re happy then they’ll bee happy…
    I wish nothing but the very best and brace yourself… ’cause you’ve got twins!!! Everything will be twice as hard, but it will also bee twice as good…
    Congrats darling!!! enjoy your new family…

  • Kelly Hunter

    Such a beautiful family. I think some moms worry more than other moms, just because we may have been worriers prior to having children. Throw Infertility in the mix, and I’m not sure the worry every goes away. You struggled and wanted something so badly, that when it happens, it’s almost like a dream.I’m not sure my mom read to me as a newborn, but I grew up loving to read, because my mom reads a lot. I think the best think you can do for your babies is love them and be there for them.That’s not going to turn the worry in your head off. I don’t have a solution for that, because I’m a worrier. They’re sleeping great imo. My son slept like the twins, the when I went back to work at 8 weeks, he slept through the night for the first time. Your babies are very loved, wanted and blessed. They’re already starting life out with a winning hand.Eric looks over the moon with happiness.Congratulations again, and I love your openness and honesty. That’s probably why I’m still following you all these years later. Have a blessed day.

  • Felicia Niemeier

    What I want you to know is that you have to give yourself a break. You have worked on a solo project of building a company (your twins) for nine months 24hours a day 7 days a week without a minute to take a break. Even CEO’s get a break. Use your team to help you. Distribute task and be proud and honored that you have a reliable amazing team to support you. You need to think of you and your children as a company and your success and that of your children will always be better and produce better results if you realize that you can not and should not be defined by doing it all by yourself. You are a success when you realize that you cannot and should not always try to do it all yourself. Never beat yourself up for how you parent. Just do your best everyday, appreciate and have gratitude for the small things. I am sure you and your children are already amazing people that the world needs and will be made better by your presence. Thank you for all you do for everyone else.

  • Janice C

    PLEASE don’t beat yourself up so much.. alot of moms don’t feel they can’t do enough and you have this times 2 BUT those babies will grow and they will know how much they are loved even if you don’t read to them everyday or hold them all day.. It’s better they aren’t held all day any way. Give yourself time to heal and regroup they will be for medical bills send what you can afford it will get paid off in time.

  • Christina

    Congratulations! They are beautiful. Please make sure to take care of yourself. My son just turned one year old and I understand what you’re saying all too well. You are doing YOUR BEST. 100%. No question. I don’t know you, but I do know that you’re doing the best you can and that is PERFECT. Your babies love you. You give them what they need and they are happy. I go days without reading to Leo. I sometimes let him watch a nursery rhyme youtube show so I can go to the bathroom or eat or just have a moment! I feel super guilty about a lot of things, but I have to constantly remind myself that I am doing my best. I would die for that child, no question. So one day without a book is ok! Time will go by so fast. It’s true they’ll never be this tiny again, but you will be so amazed and in awe of what they are going to be! Everyday my son does something new that just tickles me. It just gets better and better. Love to you and your new family of 4!

  • Kathy Hubbard

    You are supposed to be a hot mess, girlie! You just grew 2 people… You are fabulous and amazing and are doing great.

  • Kathie Shorter

    You are doing an amazing job and as long as you don’t ignore the babies entirely, they are getting loved. You just had major surgery and need some time to recuperate yourself. Do not push yourself so hard that you wind up getting sick. Things will work out with housework, cooking, laundry, etc. And you have an amazing support team with your husband and parents. Always remember to take time for yourself, your babies will thank you for that later. And please don’t second guess yourself and worry about things you can’t change. It does no good and only causes more problems.
    Your babies are beautiful (of course, we all knew they would be), you are truly blessed.